Failure, what?
384. This is the number of days that have gone by since my last blog post. When I launched my blog, I had every intention of writing one a week. I was excited, passionate, and ready to go after all that was in my heart. I was determined. I started out strong. Then, what happened? Life happened. A new baby happened. Our family dynamic and routine completely shifted. Actually, “shifted” is not the correct word. If I’m being honest, what was our family dynamic and routine was completely obliterated, and a new normal was put into place (new babies, as precious as they are, will do that to you). So, here we are – over a year since I put anything out at all in writing. And as I sit here at my laptop, failure screams at me and tries to make its way into my soul like an uninvited guest. Familiar phrases roll through my head like, “You always quit everything you start,” and “Did God even tell you to write a blog?” The feelings of letting God and people down are real. The feelings of shame associated with quitting something so soon after I started are also so real. But there is something even more real than all of that - something that has been absolutely solidified in my heart over this past year. That is, the absolute perfect grace and love of Jesus. His kindness and overwhelming love for me- even in all my shortcomings and seemingly failed moments and endeavors- have set me free from the paralyzing fears of failure and people-pleasing. Just being HIS is enough.
In my teens, I began to take pride in my music and singing ability. I hung my hat of confidence on the peg of my natural, God-given giftings. I could “do church” with the best of them, say all the right scriptures and sing all the right songs that “brought the anointing.” I wanted people to think I had it all together. I wanted them to see me as a strong leader and a solid Christian who could truly help people. I even started preaching around age 16 and prayed over students in my school. I always showed up to the annual See You At The Pole gathering even if no one else did, and while I truly cared for the people around me, I was becoming used to thinking that I was the reason for all of it. I began to think that because of my positive lifestyle choices, prayer time and confession that God was pleased with me, and that He showed up in power because I was so obedient and good. I also became quite comfortable and happy to be known as Leann the Singer and Worship Leader, and I allowed a talent that was a grace from God to become who I was instead of just something I did.
Fast forward to today. The version of me that thought I had it all together is long gone. I barely remember her. It seems that my 20’s and 30’s have mostly been spent learning to keep my eyes on Jesus through the hard times, learning to hear Him, trust Him, rely on Him, rest in Him and have courage in Him. Right now, I’m sitting in a chair in my living room with my feet propped up writing. As I think back over the last 12 months since my last blog post, it has been a time filled with the most intense circumstances – both good and bad. The highest of highs and the absolute lowest of lows. The first 5 years of launching Renew Life Church seemed relatively easy - this last year, however, has been a doozy. I’ve thought about quitting. I’ve thought about hiding. I’ve literally thought about moving to a Caribbean island. I’ve honestly wondered how I could handle all the pressure and stress of ministry while still having a thriving marriage and family. Some of my more recent google searches are things like, “how to be a pastor’s wife when everything sucks,” “how to be pastors and stay married,” and even “God, do I even love people if I want to quit and move to a remote island?” (sometimes you have to laugh so you don’t cry). It’s in these difficult seasons that we are truly tried in the fire... molded, shaped. Nothing of true substance and fortitude is built without pressure and difficulty along the way. If I had not been firmly planted in Jesus, these past 12 months would’ve taken me out of the game.
One thing is for sure. It has ALL caused me to continue to anchor myself in Jesus – the ROCK of my salvation – and to continue to find ALLof my confidence in Him. Not in my own abilities. Not in my enneagram number. Not in how much scripture I know and confess. Not in how big our church is. And certainly not in the success of a blog. As a mother, sometimes I feel like a failure. As a leader, I miss the mark. As a wife, it’s a never-ending journey of discovery, selflessness and choosing each other again and again. Because our journey isn’t just roses all the time, we will be faced with trials. We will be faced with failure and deciding which voice to listen to. So, what is our standard? Who has the final say – our own futile thoughts and imaginations? The lies from the enemy? This earthly life we live will try and wear us all the way down to nothing if we aren’t anchored completely in the One who is the source of our strength. And if you’re making any sort of a mark for the Kingdom of God, the devil knows your name, and speaking lies are his best game. Matthew 7:24-25 says, “...Everyone who hears my teaching and applies it to his life can be compared to a wise man who built his house on an unshakable foundation. When the rains fell and the flood came, with fierce winds beating upon his house, it stood firm because of its strong foundation.” (TPT) I propose to you today that a life worth living is a life completely surrendered, laid down and firmly built upon Jesus – our Rock. The most confident versions of ourselves are birthed when lose our lives. Galatians 2:19-20 says, “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (NLT). My life is not my own! What a freedom and peace is found in that statement. The happiest and most fulfilled we’ll ever be is when we are looking to The Creator for our source of strength and joy. There is truly no greater peace and rest than living a life completely surrendered to Him. I’m learning to trade those depressing thoughts of failure and shame with the life-giving words that Jesus says about me. I choose HIS voice. Hard times will come, but my feet are firmly planted and I won’t be shaken. Now, even though I don’t want 384 more days to go by before I write another blog post, my worth isn’t defined by what I haven’t done right or where I haven’t measured up. My worth is defined by what Jesus did for me on the cross, and in Him, I’m able to keep pressing forward as I refuse to give up!
READ: Galatians 2:19-21, Philippians 3:12-14, Matthew 7:24-25
PRAY: Dear Heavenly Father, I lay my life down at your feet. I take on Your strength, joy and peace, and I allow the pressures of perfection and failure to fall off of me. I no longer consider my life my own, and I release my burdens to You.I desire to find myself in You and let all striving cease. I surrender all that I am to You. Use me, shape me and mold me into what You see. I know Your plans for me are good, and I trust You. You are my strong foundation. In Jesus’ Name, amen.
